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04 March 2007 @ 09:30 pm
love is a dog from hell  
art decorates the walls of the teen center-- my new place of employment-- art created entirely by homeless teens. undeniably beautiful, in the way that mass surfaces covered with splashes and kaleidoscopic shots of color and emotion are --striking and stimulating, intent expressed through the action of the art, everything else besides the point--but not necessarily.

one of the paintings above the staff desk states "My Heart is a Fuck-hole." now this is teen-angst. this is angst uttered from the battle-pit of first and repeated impact,and initially i thought, "ohh, uhh, whoah"--but who would argue with the power of this statement? these kids are traumatized and emotionally, spiritually, physically raked and shredded--and even when they aren't, who doesn't feel that way at some point by the second decade of life?

but today i couldn't think up anything more apt, any better formula of words and form to spell out my own emotional place. (in no way am i aligning myself with the same dimension of abuse many of these kids have gone through.)
--But yes, "my heart is a fuck-hole." i am the pitted concavity for someone else's emotional jerk-off. they turn around and leave, and i reflect on the mess left with me, on me, in me--a mess, a consequence--direct, immediate, inevitable in all its stupid, shamefully-evident retrospect-- because i allowed and perpetuated this immediate and exclusive capacity--in myself.

call it love, you
skewer it good, add
cabbage and applesauce,
then heat it from the
left side,
then heat it from the right
put it in a box
give it away
leave it on a doorstep
vomiting as you go
into the

--from "it's the way you play the game"

a sticky pooling revulsion. love is dog from hell, says bukowski. if love leaves anything behind, i comprehend it best, at this moment in my life, in the simple vivid terminology of human excrement.
i never move far enough away, fast enough in any other(better)direction, and here i am again.

Love will make you drink and gamble
Make you stay out all night long

Love will make you do things
That you know is wrong

Love is just like the faucet
It turns off and on
Love is just like the faucet
It turns off and on

Sometimes when you think its on baby
It has turned off and gone

(Billie Holiday, "Fine and Mellow")
nategodin on March 9th, 2007 02:13 am (UTC)
a clean break
Oh, Megan. It's been great having you around again, having the old gang back together, such as it is. I can see that there have been some very bad things about it too... I know how tempting and how easy it can be to fall back into those familiar and comforting roles, patterns of behavior, even if the feelings behind them are completely fucked up. Some of my dearest friends are exes, but for many of them, it was either all or nothing, and of course it had to be nothing. I hope that you and Chris can figure this out one way or the other... and in my own selfish way, I hope that you and he can find some way to forge a friendship from this mess, but that's not possible, I'll understand.

... and by the way, if I were a Lost Boy, which one would I be? And are we talking Peter Pan, or gay 80's vampires? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
laugh_scream on March 9th, 2007 03:04 am (UTC)
Re: a clean break
First; a review of The Lost Boys:

* Tootles - Tootles is the humblest Lost Boy because he often misses out on their violent adventures. Although he is often stupid, he is always the first to defend Wendy. He grows up to become a judge. However, in Peter Pan in Scarlet, Tootles turns into a girl because he only has daughters to borrow clothes from.

* Nibs - Nibs is described as gay and debonair, probably the bravest Lost Boy. He says the only thing he remembers about his mother is she always wanted a checkbook; he says he would love to give her one. He grows up to work in an office.

* Slightly - Slightly is the most conceited because he believes he remembers the days before he was "lost." He is the only Lost Boy who "knows" his last name - he says his pinafore had the words "Slightly Soiled" written on the tag. He cuts whistles from the branches of trees, and dances to tunes he creates himself. Slightly is apparently a poor make-believer. He blows big breaths when he feels he is in trouble, and he eventually leads to Peter's almost-downfall. Slightly grows up to marry a noblewoman and becomes a lord.

* Curly - Curly is the most troublesome Lost Boy. Curly grows up to work in an office; he is a doctor in Peter Pan in Scarlet.

* The Twins - First and Second Twin know little about themselves - they are not allowed to, because Peter Pan does not know what Twins are. First Twin is a mighty dancer, who loves to wear a dunce cap. He is called proud in Peter Pan and Wendy. The Twins grow up to work in an office. In Peter Pan in Scarlet, they are given the names Marmaduke and Binky.

--you, nate, most resemble Slightly--based on this wikopedic description of the Lost Boys. **but with a silvery lame sash and headband, set in motion with some drunken-little-boy-yet-Thompsonesque strut.
--i know corey feldman was in the 80's Lost Boys, i can't remember who he played, but rory makes me think Corey Feldman lost boy more than any of the "original" boys. cory feldman wearing an elf belt adorned with a feather, grasping a small knife. hmmm.
laugh_scream on March 9th, 2007 03:08 am (UTC)
Re: a clean break
clarification: not LAME sash, but Lah-MAY sash--
nategodin on March 9th, 2007 08:43 pm (UTC)
at least I'm not Nibs... notnibsnotnibsnotnibsnotnibsnotnibs
Hm, I read the same Wikipedia article as you prior to posting, and Slightly would have been my second choice. Tootles was my first pick, mostly because I miss out on so many adventures whilst slaving away for The Man up here in Bangor. That, and the inevitable cross-dressing. Then again, others probably do see my high self-esteem and general brilliance as conceitedness, and I do find myself "slightly soiled" from time to time... ooopsie poopsie!

And what's this about headbands... sashes??? Remind me to never play dress-up with you...